Movie Review: Two Days, One Night (2014)

I toyed with a couple ideas for this review.

The first would be an alternate ending. Instead of _______, we'd find out that Sandra's boss was actually a cellophane-thin allegory for God or Satan or whatever, and that this was all the afterlife and this is how shit goes. People had to vote on whether she went to heaven or hell. If she goes to heaven, there's a fairly good chance that someone else has to go to hell instead. If she goes to heaven, the quality of heaven will be much worse, not only for her (because everyone will hate her), but also for everyone else, in that it would transform from a cloud place with angels and harps and shit to instead just a street in Belgium where there's traffic and laundromats and buzzers and elevators don't work. You know, a modern-day sort of Job story.

It could have even been reworked into a more-Job-story if I started my ending slightly earlier.

However, I actually liked the real ending more than my fake one, but I understand it's taboo to reveal spoilers, so humbug. Watch it and we'll talk about that.

My second thought was the rewrite this story as it would have gone if it took place in the US, specifically someplace like New York or New Jersey. For starters, her spiel would be different. "Starters" is a weird word. But yeah, here's basically her current schtick, followed by everyone's retort:

Sandra: Hi. I just wanted to talk to you about Monday. There's going to be another vote. I'm worried that Jean-Marc might have pointed out to you that the boss could fire someone else if I stay. Anyway, please vote to let me keep my job instead of you getting your bonus.
Other person: How many other people are going to vote for that?
Sandra: X number.
Other person: No because I need to buy some dumb thing that's not really as good an excuse as you getting a whole salary or yes because I'm not an asshole.
Sandra: K bye.

In the US, Sandra would have used way more rhetorical tactics. I mean, she barely used any anyway. She went all the way to their house and then was like "vote for me and I am not going to give any reason why." I would have been like:

"Hi! How are you? Let's go talk somewhere not near your manipulative spouse. I've missed you in the time that I was out! But I'm better now and really excited to get back to work. Except that I can't, because my understanding is that everyone voted to make me leave so they could get their bonuses. And I understand that, to a degree. But listen. Whatever you are about to say, you're only losing 1,000 euros. I'm losing 20,000 or however many euros.  I have two kids and my husband works at a diner. Yeah, I know you did relatively fine in the time that I was out. It's not about that. It's about human decency and compassion. And I'm pleading with you to exercise that.  If I come back, there will be something in it for you. I'll help you out with your job to some capacity that we can determine at a later date (I will only suggest this if they still seem resistant)."

Then they would not have asked how many people are voting. Instead, they would have said "listen, Jean-Marc pointed out that if you aren't fired, since like you said sixteen people were capable of doing the work, they're just gonna fire someone else."

Then I would have been like "shit. You're right. Then let's try to work out a compromise in which I can come back for more than one freaking day, like maybe two months. In that time I will give everyone proper training and work half-days so that at least my kids can eat. And I will spend the second half of every day job hunting. Everyone gets to keep their bonus and I get severance."

Then they would have said "Deal. I will make that suggestion."

Then I would not have argued that I'm that passionate about solar panels because let's get real. I'm not. Then I would have gotten a sweet job in some other field due to sixteen glowing job recommendations.

Except actually I think the only part of that that would have happened is maybe the first part, and then people would be turned off by my bluntness and not know what to say back. And really, actually, I probably would have clammed up, because I'd have, you know, months of serious depression behind me and am extremely bad at spur of the moment thinking/speaking.

So.

Instead of those two ideas, I just want to say that this movie was an ingenious depiction of:
1. Human fuckin' nature
and
2. Why we should never do anything toxic for any longer than we have to.

It also had a baller soundtrack, which was the second half of three songs and otherwise silence, which is very non-distracting for me.  Due to the fact that this movie made me think a lot and broke my writer's block, I give it one million stars and will encourage both my dog and my cat to watch it.

Family Member Type Review: Cousins, Aunts, and Uncles

You know what?

Lately, I've been talking a lot to my cousins.

I have nine first cousins, seven first cousins once removed, and five second cousins. I have more cousins than that, but I never see them or haven't met them.

Anyway, to a person, my cousins are AWESOME.

Cousins are cool because they aren't your siblings, so they don't remember most of the worst things you ever did, or worst traits you ever had. Here's a list of things that my cousins don't know about me, unless they read this:

• That I used to sing "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables really loudly several times in a row every night when I was thirteen with a cassette tape backing me up.
• That I have so much trouble dealing with change that I refused to go in certain rooms in my house, and since my mom moved out, I officially never did.
• That I used to be kind of a paper hoarder.
• How long I went believing in the tooth fairy (answer: part of me still does, because daggummit, it's not like I got an Easter bunny or a Santa Claus).

That is not to say that siblings are not great. Siblings are GREAT. They are just a different variety of great, which I will save for another review on another day.

Cousins are also cool because they can be very honest and can be easy to talk to, and there isn't a lot of reading into your actions or judgment or anything. If I didn't respect my cousins' privacy so much, I would list every cousin here and why I think they are so cool. 

I might have to go to a funeral soon, though I hope I do not have to go to any funerals for a really long time. But I've been thinking that when I inevitably do have to go, which is hopefully a long time in the future, it will be really, really nice to see my cousins.

For the record, I am also a huge fan of aunts and uncles. I have ten aunts and uncles, and one great-aunt (I'm not clear about my dad's dad's side, because he had about thirteen half-siblings who were all older than he was). Every one of my aunts and uncles are great. 

If I had a machine that could generate aunts, uncles, and cousins, I would generate about one every six months. If I had a machine that could transport aunts, uncles, and cousins for free, I would transport one every time I talked to one, so that I could give them a hug and tell them in person how great they are.

In conclusion, if you do not have any aunts, uncles, or cousins, I would recommend getting one. I will happily lend you myself as a surrogate. 

Invention #, let's say, 1: Braille Shampoo

And conditioner and soap and body lotion.

Here's the deal: every once in a while I do bathroom events in the wrong order. Meaning, I walk in there knowing that taking my contacts out should always be the very last thing I do, but something about my eyeballs distracts me, and I end up taking them out first, and then having to do everything with zombie arms.

I'm in a hotel right now and the conditioner, shampoo, and body lotion are all the same shape and size. It occurred to me that if I were blind right now, I would never know which was which, and I would run a one out of three chance of putting the wrong products on the wrong body parts.

Note: I'm in the handicapped room.

Solution: put braille on all bathroom products. And everything else. Like bleach. Then a blind person won't accidentally make a bomb!

I'm not gonna make this, and I'd rather have blind people have better showers than me make a few bucks, so feel free to steal my inventions and give me a little verbal credit. I have a lot of good ones. I'll keep telling you them so that you can steal more if you want.

TV Show Review: Celebrity Apprentice: Who Stole My Phone?

I haven't finished watching this yet, but I needed to interject: in all my years of watching this show, something has gnawed at me, and finally today it was addressed.

On reality shows -- not just this one -- people are constantly accusing each other of this or that, and then the accused people deny their actions. It kills me. Everything they do is videorecorded and witnessed by five or more other people. Why would anyone lie? I know that it's possible they just misremember stuff, but it seems to happen a little too often.

In this episode, though, Vivica says she didn't tweet something, and everyone else says she did. I found it really irritating that she denied it, because it would be the easiest thing in the world just to check. When they finally checked, and she still denied it, I gained a little faith in the concept of reality TV (don't worry; I didn't gain much) but I lost faith in the way human memory operates.

Like I said, I'm not done watching, but it seems pretty clear that she'll get fired. I'm fine with that, because it's already annoying when people say "literally" all the time when it's not true, but Vivica says "quite literally" instead, and she is still "quite" wrong. I need to scroll back and find what she said, but it was something about butts.

***

Okay, she didn't get fired. I'm still not done watching, but something else just happened. It was bothering me the whole time that no one told Ian the following two things:
1. That he is tone-deaf (he really wanted to record himself singing, and he really is, like, clinically tone-deaf, and I think he needs to know this)
2. That he was attempting copyright infringement.

Finally, Donald Trump just told him he was copying it. THANK YOU.

I still haven't remembered what the butt quote was.

***

No one knows I have this blog, so I just want to say... friggen DECIMATED! I love this show! I hate Donald Trump's politics and everything, but I just love his insane dictatorial attitude.

Movie Review: Pride (2014)

This was a solid movie.

It began taking place in 1984, before I was a fetus. The protagonists are some not-straight Londoners (I don't want to bother with the acronym right now) who dress like a Grease revival, led by a guy named Mark whose primary character traits are always looking like he just had a shocking idea and making immature decisions regarding what he's upset about. The non-straight Londoners realized they had the same enemies as the mine workers, aka the miners (which never stops sounding like "minors" in the film), who include Bill Nighy, who always seems like he has dementia. The miners let them drive really far in a bus up a massive hill more or less because of a misunderstanding involving the "L" in the acronym "LGSM" (Lesbians and Gays Support the Miners -- they thought the "L" stood for "London.")

By the way, that is the stupidest, least catchy name for a group ever. I want you all to know, loyal readers, that if you want to start a group, especially one that isn't going to get tons of support, name it something at least slightly memorable.

Also, by the way, why did Thatcher hate miners so much? God! They're getting coal for you and shit! Someone has to do that! And anyway, it's dangerous! And they're doing it! You want trains? Don't trains sometimes run on coal? Maybe that's a train stereotype. Regardless, you want to have a way to punish bad kids on Christmas? What's the deal with this?

Yeah.

Anyway, there are some great female miners, primarily a chick named Sian, which I thought was a Welsh way of saying "Sharon" for the duration of the film. She was a real historical figure and if she was anything like her character, she made me cry three times. There was also an elderly lady who seemed to conflate lesbianism and veganism.

However, one flaw in the film was that there was an antagonist, an angular Picasso-looking woman with two forgettable sons, who wasn't challenging enough. Also, the miners were critical and prejudiced to potentially the least degree they could have been depicted. I think in real life more of the prejudice and bigotry at that time would have spawned from AIDS and HIV.

There's an excellent subplot about being in the closet and being forced out by your parents. Everything about Joe's character was great. He hid all his photographs that could out him inside children's books. He had a sister who looked like my hairdresser from childhood, and she was also an antagonist. In reading the wikipedia about this film to learn how to spell Welsh words like Onllwyn and Sian I learned a new concept. The concept is called "audience surrogate," and Joe was apparently one. It's a character the audience can identify with.

I recommend this movie. It's the actual best movie I have reviewed yet, and I learned a lot. On the scale from Beetle Juice to a hypothetical feminist version of the Lego Movie, I rank this close to Dear White People.

Movie Review: The Selfish Giant

My favorite part of this movie was that they gave credit in the credits to the horse actors.

TV Show Review: Mozart in the Jungle, Pilot

I'm gonna do this in a live-tweetesque fashion.

No one learned how to conduct for this.

All of Rodrigo's advice is about the first essentially 45 seconds of the piece.

I can't tell any of the female leads in this apart. They all look like murder victims on The Fall.

"Oboists are a rare commodity these days..." she says. She's got this backwards. There are way fewer spots for oboists to take up, so it's a lot more competitive.

Also, how come in TV shows, every time someone is into someone else, they're conveniently single?

This is the fakest thing I ever saw. Where are all the asians and old people? Who plays a game where they categorize music by era?  Where's everything composed post-1880? i have a lot more opinions but I'm gonna wait til my whiskey wears off.